Things Change

Originally, this was suppose to be a happy and cheerful post (unlike most of my previous ones). But one small thing which can be so insignificant and trivial to others, just made things go upside down for me.

It was a bad day. Someone made me smile. Even that changed. 

I can't take it anymore. I'm not just gonna sit around while people take advantage of me. I'm done.

Everything's fine though. At least I have my motivation back.

NO MORE.

Excuses

I don't know how many times I've said sorry. But I guess that's just how I am. Always making mistakes and then I say sorry. 

I hate it when you're sad. Especially if I'm the reason why you're sad. Please stop. 

I didn't mean to hurt you by being hurt.

I hope you're ok.

Stupid. Just so... Stupid.

It's kind of funny how people are capable of doing awful/cruel/horrible things, even to their loved ones. Actually, no. It's not funny. It's stupid. And childish. I wish I could take it back. All of it. 

No one can help me with this. This is something I have to do by myself.

No amount of apologies is gonna make this guilt go away.

And I know that. But again, I'm sorry. You deserve better.

It's A Start

It's only been a week since I passed my test and I was actually allowed to drive on my own today. Not bad. Considering it took my brother at least more than a few weeks till he was allowed to do that.

So... Holidays almost over.
Let's see what I've accomplished so far.

1. Laze around.
2. "Worked" with my dad for a while.
3. Got my P.
4. Finished reading one book.
5. Laze around some more.
6. Hang out with friends.

It's sad to say that I'm somehow proud to say this has been my most productive holidays ever despite all my lazing around, bad sleeping/eating habits and the lack of exercise. 

The process of changing truly is hard. It's frustrating, really. Every time I make progress, something pulls me back to the dark side. God, help me.

Oh wait! I realized that I've accomplished something else which I didn't include in the list. Something far better than my other "great" achievements throughout my not-so-productive holidays. 

The best part of me isn't and will never be me.

It's the people I'm lucky enough to have in my life.

Thank You.

There was a time when you sometimes made me feel invincible. Now... I feel invisible.

I know how it is. You can never expect too much from someone. Because the truth is, we want perfection. But that's not possible. Not for humans at least. And for any other creatures made by God. That's what I believe. I guess it's easier said than done to not expect from someone too much since my mind and my heart aren't on the same page at all.


The thing is, I want to be the best. Who doesn't? Especially if it's to prove to that special someone. But it's so difficult to be better, to reach the expectation of that person (or more accurately, my idea of the person's expectations of me) when there are so many things to do at one time.


There are so many issues in this world to be dealt with. Injustice is spreading like virus in this beautiful yet somehow corrupted world. The conspiracies going on behind close doors which most people are unaware of. The gullibility of many making it easy for the media (main and alternative) to tell lies.


As quoted from the of the anti-Semite and German communist who was also a devout follower of Adolf Hitler,


If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.


And yet, the thing that I'm affected about most in this very moment  is my "girl problems" albeit they don't even qualify as problems. How selfish. The worst part is, there probably are many others like me. 


Sigh... No wonder this world is in a bad shape.

Special Day

Happy Birthday. I hope you have a wonderful and a memorable one.

You mean so much more to me than you ever can imagine. 

 

I love you, baby.

Nothingness

It's been a while. This familiar feeling has come back to haunt me again. Even as I am typing this, I feel it. My heartbeat is racing and my body feels like it's burning. I can't think properly. Even when I can, I can't do anything. My mind tells my body to do something productive and not just stay online waiting to see what she says. My plans to do anything I should do or even the things I want to do is being thwarted by this feeling. What is it? I don't know. Honestly.

Was it her answer to my question that caused this? Is it because it's not what I wanted or hoped to hear? I mean I somehow did expect her answer to be somewhat like that. Or was the answer merely a trigger to unleash all my suppressed feelings I've had all this while? Whatever the reason and whatever this is, it has to stop soon. Because I have so many things to do and so little time to do them.

And also, because I'm at almost almost at my limit.