Sleeping King

Ever tried not sleeping for one whole night? Well, if you haven't, DON'T even think about doing it. Especially if you have something really important in the morning. I learned that the hard way. Here's the thing, as the day goes by... It doesn't get much better.

Lack of sleep means your brain lacks the functions it normally does.  What that means is, aside from the basic things like talking and walking, we can't think and consider the things we say or do properly. Just like a person who's high on weed. And even if you 'qadar' your sleep during the day, it doesn't help much and not to mention it being unhealthy.

It's not just the physical effects that bothers me though. I don't know if it's just me, but due to my lack of brain functions, like filtering of whatever it is that I said today, people are condemning me for it. Even my close friends. In normal situations, I'd consider the things I say to be well... normal. But suddenly today, I'm 'mean' and 'straight forward'? Trying to understand what these people meant. Maybe it's just a way for them to annoy me. Or maybe they really meant. And maybe I was being cocky and obnoxious. Whatever it is, I wouldn't know because I can't think properly thanks to my lack of sleep.

Not sleeping? Bad idea.

What now?

No, I can't do it. I can't just let it go. Why should I? Why should I be the one that's so considerate and selfless? I thought I was the sensitive. The "emotional" one.

But at the same time... I don't want to be angry. I want to spare you from the guilt and hurt.

I HATE THIS.

I'm torn.

What if?

When someone tells you something that makes mindlessly wonder about things like..

 "Would things be the way they are now if the person had told me about it earlier?" 

"Is it REALLY ok that he/she just decided to tell me about it when there was like a gazillion chances before that?" 

"Would he/she repeat it?"

Honestly? I don't know. It's complicated. It's confusing. And frustrating. Because the truth is, we wouldn't find the answer. No matter how long you think, ponder and wonder about it. How can you trust a person undeniably after something like that? The answer is still, yet unknown.

 It's not like I'm planning or trying to dwell in the pool of uncertainty, doubt and betrayal. I just want to be sure that when I'm get over it, I really do get over it. They say time has the ability to heal. I guess I have no choice but to count on that. 

Conclusion is...

I need time.

Honestly? I'm pissed.

I hate it. It's just one bad thing after another. I've been so f***ing pissed and stressed lately. The nerve of some people. Seriously. To make things worse, I haven't been studying. I've missed 2 Arabic classes just this week. SO FAR. All my assignments, homework....

That's the worst part. I'm suppose to change. For the better. 

But instead, I'm becoming worse. 

I wouldn't say everything is bad though. Even tonight, some good things did happen. At least there were many  other people who had a good time. I guess that's the point. Plus, I realized that I have amazing people around me.

Every cloud has a silver lining. And that silver lining is you.