18 Dec 2011

There was a time when you sometimes made me feel invincible. Now... I feel invisible.

I know how it is. You can never expect too much from someone. Because the truth is, we want perfection. But that's not possible. Not for humans at least. And for any other creatures made by God. That's what I believe. I guess it's easier said than done to not expect from someone too much since my mind and my heart aren't on the same page at all.


The thing is, I want to be the best. Who doesn't? Especially if it's to prove to that special someone. But it's so difficult to be better, to reach the expectation of that person (or more accurately, my idea of the person's expectations of me) when there are so many things to do at one time.


There are so many issues in this world to be dealt with. Injustice is spreading like virus in this beautiful yet somehow corrupted world. The conspiracies going on behind close doors which most people are unaware of. The gullibility of many making it easy for the media (main and alternative) to tell lies.


As quoted from the of the anti-Semite and German communist who was also a devout follower of Adolf Hitler,


If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.


And yet, the thing that I'm affected about most in this very moment  is my "girl problems" albeit they don't even qualify as problems. How selfish. The worst part is, there probably are many others like me. 


Sigh... No wonder this world is in a bad shape.

25 Oct 2011

Special Day

Happy Birthday. I hope you have a wonderful and a memorable one.
You mean so much more to me than you ever can imagine. 

 

I love you, baby.

16 Oct 2011

Nothingness

It's been a while. This familiar feeling has come back to haunt me again. Even as I am typing this, I feel it. My heartbeat is racing and my body feels like it's burning. I can't think properly. Even when I can, I can't do anything. My mind tells my body to do something productive and not just stay online waiting to see what she says. My plans to do anything I should do or even the things I want to do is being thwarted by this feeling. What is it? I don't know. Honestly.

Was it her answer to my question that caused this? Is it because it's not what I wanted or hoped to hear? I mean I somehow did expect her answer to be somewhat like that. Or was the answer merely a trigger to unleash all my suppressed feelings I've had all this while? Whatever the reason and whatever this is, it has to stop soon. Because I have so many things to do and so little time to do them.

And also, because I'm at almost almost at my limit.

29 Sep 2011

Sleeping King

Ever tried not sleeping for one whole night? Well, if you haven't, DON'T even think about doing it. Especially if you have something really important in the morning. I learned that the hard way. Here's the thing, as the day goes by... It doesn't get much better.

Lack of sleep means your brain lacks the functions it normally does.  What that means is, aside from the basic things like talking and walking, we can't think and consider the things we say or do properly. Just like a person who's high on weed. And even if you 'qadar' your sleep during the day, it doesn't help much and not to mention it being unhealthy.

It's not just the physical effects that bothers me though. I don't know if it's just me, but due to my lack of brain functions, like filtering of whatever it is that I said today, people are condemning me for it. Even my close friends. In normal situations, I'd consider the things I say to be well... normal. But suddenly today, I'm 'mean' and 'straight forward'? Trying to understand what these people meant. Maybe it's just a way for them to annoy me. Or maybe they really meant. And maybe I was being cocky and obnoxious. Whatever it is, I wouldn't know because I can't think properly thanks to my lack of sleep.

Not sleeping? Bad idea.

15 Sep 2011

What now?

No, I can't do it. I can't just let it go. Why should I? Why should I be the one that's so considerate and selfless? I thought I was the sensitive. The "emotional" one.

But at the same time... I don't want to be angry. I want to spare you from the guilt and hurt.

I HATE THIS.

I'm torn.



14 Sep 2011

What if?

When someone tells you something that makes mindlessly wonder about things like..

 "Would things be the way they are now if the person had told me about it earlier?" 

"Is it REALLY ok that he/she just decided to tell me about it when there was like a gazillion chances before that?" 

"Would he/she repeat it?"

Honestly? I don't know. It's complicated. It's confusing. And frustrating. Because the truth is, we wouldn't find the answer. No matter how long you think, ponder and wonder about it. How can you trust a person undeniably after something like that? The answer is still, yet unknown.

 It's not like I'm planning or trying to dwell in the pool of uncertainty, doubt and betrayal. I just want to be sure that when I'm get over it, I really do get over it. They say time has the ability to heal. I guess I have no choice but to count on that. 

Conclusion is...

I need time.

7 Sep 2011

Honestly? I'm pissed.

I hate it. It's just one bad thing after another. I've been so f***ing pissed and stressed lately. The nerve of some people. Seriously. To make things worse, I haven't been studying. I've missed 2 Arabic classes just this week. SO FAR. All my assignments, homework....

That's the worst part. I'm suppose to change. For the better. 

But instead, I'm becoming worse

I wouldn't say everything is bad though. Even tonight, some good things did happen. At least there were many  other people who had a good time. I guess that's the point. Plus, I realized that I have amazing people around me.

Every cloud has a silver lining. And that silver lining is you.

28 Aug 2011

080811

'Lying next to you, wishing I could disappear' 

I never realized that you put that in your info up until just now. I felt....

Shocked, happy and somehow reassured.


And I was thinking about those nights. They were amazing. Undeniably.

But we shouldn't have to rely on that for us to be honest with each other. To be more accurate we CAN'T.

So I'll try to be more open and honest from now on. Why I didn't/don't? I'm scared. I guess I have trust issues too. You don't have to worry though.

It's not you. It's me. Oh by the way...

You make me happy. Don't ever leave.

First Love

Why I consider her to be my first love? It's the way she makes me feel. How she cheers me up whenever I'm down. How she calms me down when I'm pissed. I love the way it feels when it just goes in there. The excitement, the proud feeling I have of myself when it goes in there. Ahhhh.... By the way, she is NOT a person. She is a game. And the game is.... *drum roll*

BASKETBALL


Ok, that was lame. And kinda obvious for the people who really know me. Anyway, yeah. I miss it. I miss the rush, the competitiveness and the exhaustion I had during games but still continue playing anyway. Another thing is the talks I used to have with my friends in between the games. The 'gay talks' or us just being lame and crazy. I don't get much of any of that nowadays. So basically, I miss everything about it.

I have to get back to it. I need it.

Basketballfreak.


24 Aug 2011

Perfect

'You shouldn't focus on the negative things in your life'
 'You should be positive'
'Look at the bright side'


Ever had any experience where someone has said one of those things to you before? I think I have. But more than that, I've been saying to other people when they're down or emo. Yeah, yeah. I know. Makes me a hypocrite considering the fact that I usually don't take my own advice. Especially those ones.

So finally, today I decided to have a taste of my own medicine and took my own advice. I'm thankful. For everything I have and everything I don't. I'm lucky to have my family, awesome friends and roommates who care and are always supportive of me.


Of course, not forgetting someone else. Someone very special to me. Last night, when someone mentioned I had a girlfriend, I was like 'Girlfriend? What girlfriend?'. That happened more than once before actually. They thought I didn't wanna admit. But the thing is besides it being a joke, I guess I just didn't want other people in UIA to know. It's better that way to avoid all the conflict and drama.

 I have an amazing girlfriend and I'm proud of it!

I'm gonna try my best to do right by her. She's important and it's time I show it and not put on a barrier anymore. I'll let my guard down just as she did hers. It doesn't matter if she has a past and still wonders about it. Who doesn't? I do too.

 Baby, if by some chance one day you read this. Or I decide to tell you about it. Please know that I'm sorry. I know I say it a lot without actually doing anything about it. But I'm gonna change that hopefully. Because you make me happy and I want you to keep doing that. You're amazing.

I am madly and deeply in love with you.





Reborn


A few months back I envisioned how I'd be like once I start my college/uni life. Serious, determined, focused and pretty much everything that I was lacking while I was in high school. The reason is because I'm tired. Tired of feeling useless, insecure and inferior to others. So basically I just wanted to change. 

Here's the thing...

I DIDN'T.

I did at first. Kinda. Not really. Anyhow, before classes started like in the first 2 weeks after I got into UIA, I read on Law and a bunch of other things to gain extra knowledge so that I wouldn't feel so inferior to them since everyone here seems to have so much of it. I joined Tae Kwon Do, the English Debate Club, MeLex (society for Law students) sub-committee. I wanted to be like those over achievers. 

But then as usual, old habits started to kick in. Studying became secondary to almost everything else. Only went for Tae Kwon do about 5 times. Debate twice. 

This week especially, I felt like shit! I almost gave up on changing because nobody even noticed that I did. Nobody cares. They still think I'm irresponsible, lazy and I'm also known as the guy who sleeps a lot. What the hell is everyone's problem? What the hell is MY problem?

'I thought things were getting better. I was obviously wrong'

A good friend of mine asked me. 'So what now? What's your next move?'. I told her I was just gonna sit back and watch (I know, very stupid). Then one of the things she said to me was 'don't expect miracles to happen if you're just gonna sit there and watch'. Then it hit me.

I want and expect things but I don't do anything about it. 

How childish is that? Answer: VERY.


So I'm gonna try again. Try to change. Somehow, somewhere along the way I forgot. I didn't wanna change for them. It's for myself and my own satisfaction. And of course, for God. I wasn't the most religious person before I got into UIA. Not saying that I am now though. But I definitely made a few changes in my life. And I'm proud of that.


 I won't stop till I become the best of myself.



Long Overdue



To be honest, I've thought of creating one since I first got into UIA. But I didn't. Obviously.

Reasons why I didn't:

1. Scared of what people will think.
2. Didn't think my own writing would be interesting (even to myself).
3. Don't know what kind of blog I want to have.

As for the first and second reason, yeah. That's pretty dumb. But that's also very much like me. It just has something to do with my insecurity issues (long not to mention boring story).

I guess the 3rd reason is valid though. I didn't wanna have those kind of blogs where some people write about their everyday lives. I mean, that's like having a diary but sharing it with the world. Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against that or the people who do that. I just prefer to keep my privacy. And I wouldn't really know what to write about my interests to be honest.

But you know what, screw that. Who cares what people will think? Who cares what I think? And I'll just write about whatever I feel like writing I guess.

So what motivated me to actually start is because  one of my friends during ILS talked about blogging and I realised that blogging isn't just to share our daily lives or things that interests us. It's about expressing. And for someone who's hotheaded and emotional like me, I think I'm more than qualified to be passed as someone who needs to express and vent those emotions in a 'proper' way.

Another reason is because of the past couple of days I had. With the so called girl problems, studies and the stupid last minute plans because of SOME people. I was pretty moody and stressed out that one night. So I said to my friend jokingly 'hey, maybe I should get a blog!' and she said she was thinking the same thing.  

So that's how I got here, posting this. 

Man, I'm sleepy. K, screw this. Out.